What I wasn't told!

After I got married, I was constantly asked the age old question, "when are you going to have a baby?".

I often answered as vaguely as possible, "whenever God blesses me with a child, that's when!"

The truth was I knew I wanted to wait a bit, not too long, but long enough to settle in to the role of wife. I also feared that if I boasted a time frame of when I would conceive, I just might jinx myself out of that miraculous gift I so craved.

When I finally did see those two pink stripes on the little white stick, I jumped for joy and called everyone that night! One of the things I remember most vividly throughout my pregnancy was hearing all the great advice from veteran moms. "Sleep when the baby sleeps." "Breastfeed. You will lose weight faster." "Use a paci if you need too." "Stay in the hospital as long as you need too." "Eat whatever you want, but not too much." "You can drink wine!" "Stay home as long as you can if you can." "Let people bring you meals." "Enjoy every moment because it goes by so fast." "Take a million pictures." "Listen to your mommy instincts." "Take care of yourself." "You're going to be the best mom ever." "Don't forget about your husband." There are probably many more that I was told, but these are the ones I remember the most.

This advice was great and I try to hold onto it whenever possible. The tough part is what no one told me.

My loved ones failed to mention to me how utterly and completely exhausted I would be... ALL THE TIME. No one told me how hard, challenging, difficult, and HARD motherhood is. No one told me how I would be constantly filled to the brim with worry and guilt over even the smallest things. When I talk to other moms about this, they either tell me, "Its okay, it's totally normal" or "Yeah, no one told me either."

So there... I told you.

The Challenge

Ten years ago I had surgery on my knee to correct a torn ACL.  For that many years I have used that as my excuse as to why I left the fitness world.  The truth is prior to the accident, I worked out five to six days a week, hard core, and loved every sweaty minute of it.  I also LOVED to eat.  After the accident, I maintained the same level of eating and put on 20 pounds right away but didn’t really workout for six months.  The more weight I gained, the more depressed I became and the more I ate.  I stopped my fitness regimen pretty much cold turkey.  After the pain went away, I worked out maybe twice a week at a moderate intensity helping me to maintain where I was.  I might have lost two to three pounds in a month, but then I would gain another five to seven.  Either way, I was on a road to slowly gaining over time and never really losing any significant weight.  Then I had two children.  I gained 25 pounds with my first pregnancy and lost about 15 pounds of that.  Second child, I gained 15 pounds, lost ten, and then gained 15 in the next six months.  I felt (have been feeling) completely out of control and on a major whirl of chaos. 

The really confusing part is that I love the shape of my body and love my face, but the shape is just way too big and I am feeling so unhealthy, almost sick.  I just want the shape to be more slender, toned, and healthy.  It is important for me to list out all the effects this weight gain has placed on me.  It is important for me to be as transparent as possible for it will hold me accountable and help me to see my progress.  Regarding the effects; I hate seeing myself fat, I feel unworthy, lack of confidence, shy, timid, embarrassed, back pain, headaches, low energy, always tired, lowered sex drive (I say lowered because it is still there!), joint pain, gastrointestinal distress, digestion issues, anxiety, sadness, grief, irritability, modesty, lack of interest in important things (mainly fashion), hating to take pictures or buy clothes, dry skin, shortness of breath, and irregular monthly cycles.  Ugh, that was really hard to write.  But it is the truth.  I am sure there are more symptoms I could add, and will along the way as I experience them. 

What I remember about my work out days ten years ago, was being so motivated and determined to go to the gym.  It was a priority.  I had a plan.  I had friends at the gym.  It felt amazing after a meaningful workout, and I looked great in my clothes.  I felt great.  Now, not so much. 

I am downright terrified of the journey I am about to embark on.  I found Cathy Savage online in 2002.  I have loved her from the moment I met her.  In 2005, I attended my first Camp Savage in Boston.  It was one of my very favorite trips I have ever taken.  I learned so much about fitness and fitness competition.  I wanted to take all that I learned and move mountains.  But somewhere along the way, I gave up and just let go of everything I held on to so dearly.  I believe that my grandpa’s passing in 2006 played a major role in my grief and depression.  I have done a lot of work on this in counseling, but I think I am not done.  I know I am not done.  There is still something missing about my experience of losing my grandpa.  I think I know what that missing piece is… I know what that missing piece is. 

My grandpa was my dad.  Losing him was akin to losing my dad.  Admitting this, for me, means that I diminish the role my biological father has played in my life.  Admitting this means people will get hurt, he (my biological father) will be hurt, and I hate seeing others hurt on account of my thoughts or actions.  But I cannot hold on to this anymore.  I have to admit to myself that I lost my dad in 2006.  I fell in to the greatest depression of my life after his passing.  I felt incredible guilt after feeling this way and shoved it all in to wine and bad bad choices.  I pulled myself out of it, but have never quite forgiven myself or given myself the permission to feel the truth.  The truth is; I lost my real dad in 2006.  I have a biological dad whom I am loving and forgiving.  I have a step-dad whom I consider the man that raised me, whom I love with my whole heart, who is also my dad. 

Goodness, when I set out to write this first blog post, I never in a million years intended to write this last piece.  If I am going to do this right, if I am going to win this competition, I am going into it full force.  I am not going to hold back anything.  The Savage Transformation begins on August 1^st.  My plan is to immerse myself into this transformation physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.  I do not expect it to be easy.  The hardest part for me will be the eating part, as I LOVE food (maybe addicted??) so much.  My plan to combat that is… for every craving… I write.  I hope to be writing lots every single day.  For sixteen weeks, I hope to jumpstart what will be a life style change for me.  I hope to clear out my mental closet and re-organize my thoughts and feelings in an accessible and meaningful way.  Most of all, I hope to be a better person for my husband and children.  Let the challenge begin!!!!!!

The problem with wanting to blog.

I want to blog. When I'm driving around town, all the interesting things I want to blog about race (or float) through my mind. Then I get to typing... And it's in thin air!

Work Hard; Vacation Easy

I always take two weeks off for the Holidays; the week before Christmas to the week after Christmas. This year I was given one extra week at the last minute. I am not complaining! I am not the everyday American employee with paid time off, however. I am self-employed and must save up prior to my time off and budget accordingly. And because of this, I work hard and vacation hard (or easy!).

I was honestly looking forward to going back to work since my break has allowed me to rest and rejuvenate. I was also looking forward to resuming my flow of income. But I took this as a sign that maybe I do need one more week to just simply and plainly be. Yes, I am one of those people who sees certain life situations or happenings as signs. To me, signs are little messages from God pointing me in a slightly different direction than where I think I am headed. In my daily quest for balance, these last two weeks have allowed me to take care of my self, spend quality time with family and friends, organize my home, move some furniture around, transition my toddler from the crib to a "big girl bed", and sleep more than five or six hours at night. What a feeling to actually sleep a full night! Who knew that all these months suffering from exhaustion were due to my daughter's loathsome feelings towards her crib. Of course she woke up every night and screamed for hours. She was ready for a big girl bed. Last week I just had enough. I needed to sleep and needed to not feel so defeated every night. Bedtime had become such a battle. I had visions of rocking my sweet angel face baby to sleep at night, singing her lullabies, and kissing her forehead. Instead my reality was a strong-willed, screeching 25 pounder who refused her crib. When I decided to give to her whims and put her in my bed, I woke up every morning with an aching back and terrible mood. There wasn't enough coffee or ibuprofen to get me through my morning. Now, just one week after her departure from the crib, I am waking up so refreshed and happy (as is she!).

So, just a few more days of vacation and off to work I go. Until then, I will continue loving every moment of rest because 2012 is going to be a busy and wild year with my last year of grad school and my husband's adventures. Here is to a productive 2012!!!

I HAD A BABY!

Alivia Margot Martinez joined our family on March 5, 2010. I am just feeling human enough to resume to normal pre-baby activites with many baby activities added in.

My how money matters have changed!

In August of 2007, I moved in with my fiance. Since we each had our own place, we had an overload of furniture. I decided to list some bedroom furniture on Craigslist.com. After a few weeks and no bite... I gave up. I even had 2 garage sales and nada. So, my fiance moved all the furniture into the attic to save space. We set up the house and never gave the furniture another thought.

Fast forward two and a half years, now married and expecting our first baby, I thought it would be a good idea to sell the bedroom furniture and use the money from the sale to purchase baby furniture. I thought I was being thrifty!!

I almost dreaded selling it though because I did not want to go through the failure all over again. I waited until I was 8 months pregnant to actually sell the stuff. And its good furniture! Its not like I was selling cheap fake wood furniture... I was selling two top quality brand name queen bed sets. I listed the furniture on Craigslist.com, posted the pics and info on Facebook, and emailed everyone in my contact list about the sale. BAM! Both sets sold in 2 days!

What changed? The economy!

I can only deduce that back in 2007, most people were still living the high life, living with their so called secure jobs, making money, using credit, being a little snobbish about second hand furniture, financing big ticket items... you get the idea. Then in 2008, the market crashed and the economy did an about face.

I think people are making smarter choices. They are beginning to save a little each month, look for good deals (even if it means buying second hand), and buy what they need, not just what they want.

So, thank you economy for crashing. You helped me sell my furniture asap. You helped me acquire great second hand baby furniture. I hope I can keep this thrifty shopping mentality forever!

What is Fit Vida?

Everyday I wake up and realize that I have a choice; to have a great day or not. I try my hardest to have a great day, to not let the little things bother me, and to quickly get over the things that do. Some days are a struggle. Some days I struggle with my fitness or my finances (or both!). Some days, I have a great day with friends or family... which means, relationally, I had that great day for which I set out to have.

What I want out of life is; love, laughter, happiness, a sense of peace and fulfillment, and a balance in all realms of life; spirituality, my marriage, my family, my friends, fitness, finances, giving, and sanity!

That is what my Fit Vida journey is. It is to have the best life ever, to have the best life that was meant for me, the life God blessed for me. Life is not always easy, nor is it always fair. That is why it is a journey. Because, just when you think you have one thing down, something gets in the way, and life continues... we continue to work through life, and make it better.

My Fit Vida Journey!